Tired of Fighting About “Nothing?
By Brooke Bertrand
How to Stop Yelling and Start Listening
There are the words we say out loud and the ones we don’t.
“Why didn’t you text me back?”
“Do you always have to leave the dishes?”
“Can’t you just listen for once?”
“Why are you always so angry?”
It starts small. Something gets said, or doesn’t get said. A sigh, a shrug, an eye-roll, a missed look. And suddenly, you’re in it again, that same argument you’ve had a hundred different ways. You both know how it goes. You might even finish each other’s sentences… not in the cute “sandwiches” way.
You both end up angry, frustrated and confused.
It hurts so much. It’s disappointing. It’s exhausting. It’s lonely.
And it’s usually not really about the chores.
So why is it so damn hard?
These repeating arguments are often part of a deeper emotional loop, one that plays out over and over without either of you quite knowing how you got there. One person reaches out, even if it comes out as criticism or frustration. The other pulls away, trying to stay calm or not make things worse. And the more one protests, the more the other defends. It becomes a cycle.
Here’s the thing: underneath the surface tension, there’s almost always something softer trying to be heard.
What sounds like “You never listen,” might really mean
👉 “I don’t feel like I matter to you.”
What looks like “You don’t even care,” might really be
👉 “I’m scared you’re pulling away from me.”
What feels like “You’re always so angry” might really feel
👉 “I miss my soft place to land.”
But we don’t often say those things out loud. We may not be able to find the words. They’re too raw. Too risky. So we fight about what feels safer, familiar, and on the surface, like chores, texting habits, the crumbs on the countertop, and miss the deeper conversation that needs to happen.
That’s where couples therapy, especially Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), can help. EFT isn’t about teaching communication skills because most couples already have those skills. Instead, EFT helps you slow down and tune in to your deeper emotions, to identify and name what you’re really feeling. It’s about making space for those feelings and learning how to co-regulate together so that you both feel safe enough to be vulnerable. When that happens, the connection you’re craving grows stronger, and the cycle of conflict becomes less overwhelming and more understandable.
When couples learn how to name those softer truths, everything starts to shift. The cycle becomes less about reacting and more about understanding. The connection you both crave stops feeling so far away.
So, the next time you're in one of those loops, ask yourself gently:
What am I really trying to say right now?
Am I feeling scared? Do I have a longing that needs to expressed?
What’s my inside voice saying beneath the noise?
What might my partner be feeling or trying to say?
And what would it be like…to slow this down and to let that us both be really heard?
Brooke Bertrand, MA, RP, owner of Bright Raven Psychotherapy and brings over 20 years of experience helping clients navigate relationships, anxiety, burnout, addictions, and relational trauma. Trained in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, she guides partners toward real connection—and even reaches those who never thought therapy was for them.
Off the clock, she’s chasing two teenagers around hockey rinks. She believes life is lived best with humor, the love of cats, great books, good tea, and a great playlist.
Brooke’s Inside Voice will bring common therapy topics into the public spotlight, exploring the issues that quietly shape our relationships. From mental health and the hustle of modern life to the joys and challenges of being human and seeking connection to ourselves and others, Brooke shares insights that help readers understand themselves, their loved ones, and the ties that bind us.
